Review: Ultraviolet

Once in a century, a movie comes along and kicks so much ass that the critics worldwide have their face rocked off permanently. Such a movie makes such a huge mockery of established notions of good movie making like story, acting etc. that the critics are just not able to grapple with the possibility that conventional wisdom might have become too arcane to accomodate revolutionary ideas. They wince at the brilliance which pokes at their own limited competence, they sulk at the genius they never could amass, feel jealous at their own limited comprehension of the genius of the movie and go home and write scathing comments over the lack of conventional wisdom that the movie seems to have in spades. Well, this movie is not one of those.

For starters, I am outlining the following points which elevates the movie to the realm of the avant garde:

1. No coherent story whatsoever. Oooooo, what was it ? A fight between humans and homopheagus ? A boy named "six" ? A girl named "violet" ? A movie named "ultraviolet" ? And none of them seem to have any connection between them. What was that antigen you were talking about ? And the anti-antigen ? Do these words mean anything or are they just ramifications of the director's brain wirings gone wrong ? I could have done with a bit more explanation.

2. Lack of credible acting. I am inclined to say that the best actors were those who had already died but then I think that all those inanimate objects like the furniture, guns, dresses had far more character than the movie's most seasoned actors.

Just based on the above two points, you would think that I hated the movie but you could not be farther from the truth. The truth is that I thoroughly enjoyed the movie. It had all the points which really matter in a good movie and it had them in spades. Cases in point;

1. A very attractive lady.

2. A very attractive lady dressed in very attractive dresses.

3. A very attractive lady dressed in very attractive dresses stomping incomprehensible amount of human ass.

4. Atleast 45,000 people killed at the hands of the very attractive lady dressed in a very attractive dress.

5. The very attractive lady driving motorcycles, cars, stomping over choppers, wielding fancy guns, and swords and lasers and dodging bullets, and passing smartass comments.

6. A kid constantly being reprimanded by the very attractive lady for no fault of his.

7. Crazy gadgets everywhere. By crazy I do not mean, the CIA wireless crap. I mean so crazy, the next time you meet Pierce Brosnan in person, you would slap him just for playing with toys at his age.

You see, what else do you need for a great movie. I can only say, Milla Jovovich is a professional butt kicker. She did it in Resident Evil. She more than does it in Ultraviolet.

Links:
Ultraviolet
Running Time: Who keeps track of time when there is so much stuff happening on screen.
Precautionary Measures: Don't watch it if you want to see a movie for good acting or good story. Watch it only if you are bored from the monotonicity of life and want to see some serious kickery elaborately spiced with loads of "Dude!" attitude.

First Motorbike (in US)

My first motorcycle in US - Kawasaki Ninja:

Review: The Beast of Yucca Flats

Ha. You guys would be thinking, when did this movie come. Isn't it ? Let me explain as to why you haven't heard of this movie ever.

1. Directed by Francis Coleman who is widely considered to be the worst director of all times, in the esteemed league of Ed Wood.

2. Widely regarded as the worst sci-fi 'B' movie ever, almost as bad as 'Plan 9 from outer space'. Now as a rule, 'B' movies are called 'B' movies for a reason. the reason being their superhuman ineptitude at everything ranging from acting to direction to dialogues to coherence and what not. And we are talking about the worst of them all. You get the idea here.

3. The most important reason you have never seen this movie is probably because not many people have survived to tell the tale after watching this. I barely managed to snatch life from the jaws of death. As the movie came to a screeching halt, I found myself short of breath, my lungs barely being able to supply the much needed oxygen, my heart rate slowed down to almost half the normal, my life functions halted down to almost a trickle. The only reason I could survive the movie was that I have grown upon a steady diet of movies that have defined the term crappy. And boy oh boy, did I need every single one of those experiences to make it through today.

The premise of the movie is as follows. A scientist (played by Tor Johnson, a veteran Swedish wrestler) wanders into a nuclear testing facility (Yucca Flats) where radiation turns him into a beast. He starts killing people in the desert and he inturn gets killed in the end. Oops! Thats it. Thats the whole premise! If you think I am exaggerating the thinness of the plot, be my guest and watch the movie. I am sure by the end of the movie you will find it hard to sum it up in a single sentence (i.e. if you survive), not because of a plethora of nail biting action sequences but because once you are 3 minutes into the movie, your mind goes numb and you are basically overwhelmed by the incredible stupidity that is being played in front of your eyes.



The movie begins with a lady being murdered in the shower. No allusion whatsoever of this incident is made in the movie ever again. When the director is not wasting minutes of footage shooting dusty cars running on dustier roads in Yucca flats, he wastes them on shooting the elaborate parking skills of the drivers driving those cars. Rest of the time, he basically focusses his camera on non-consequential things like non-consequential bushes, non-consequential rocks and pebbles, non-consequential rabbits, coyotes and pigs. He criminally wastes atleast 10 minutes of the movie focussing the camera on the face of a person who does not give even a single expression, does not say a single thing and frankly looks pretty self-engrossed to realize that he has been invested with 1/5 of the running time of the movie. No coherence, no plot, no character development. It almost seems that there was a constant tape of random ideas running in the director's head and he picked at random and decided to make a movie out of the concoction of completely unrelated events.

And I have not yet mentioned the salient feature of the movie. The problem, apparently in the begining, was that they had shot the complete movie without dialogues and when the time came to put the audio in sync with the video, they ran out of budget. The director came up with an ingenious plan at this point. Thanks to his improvisation, there is not a single scene in the movie where the character who is speaking the dialogues is also seen in the video!!! He/She is always somewhere in the background. It would be an understatement to say that the movie was the cinematic equivalent of feeding your hand to a wood chipper. On any given day, I would be ready for the latter option if asked to watch this movie again.

If you have the guts to watch it, here is the link :
Link1 (Warning: A little nudity in the begining)
I would rather recommend watching the Mystery Science Theatre version as it atleast has people passing funny comments during the run:
Mystery Science Theatre version (The movie starts at about 4 minutes into the video)

Duration : 53 minutes. Seems like : 753 minutes
Precautionary measures: Oxygen mask, First aid handy, A friend capable of giving CPR. I advice that don't watch it alone or atleast not in one single sitting.
Disclaimer: I shall not be held responsible for any permanent disabilities or death which might result to those who watch it. No financial compensations for medical expenses shall be incurred upon me in such a situation.

A completely random post

I was just wondering... If ever the world had the insight of appointing me as king, I would make the following changes. To the untrained eye these changes would seem unnecessary and completely uncalled for but I can assure you that they would serve humanity well if incorporated:

1. I would provide a free lunch to everyone in the world atleast once just to debunk the oft repeated, completely unnecessary and stupendously foolish saying : There are no free lunches in the world. Seriously, I can't believe how can people be straight faced and say this even when they had their share of all those free lunches which tolled upon the limited expenses of all those birthday boys who were their friends. What about all those years everyone was at home eating off their fathers' pockets ? Those were all free. And all those marriage parties everyone kept going to even though they had no idea who the bride or the groom were ? Huh... Me:1, Rest of the World: 0

2. No more free coffee in companies. I have lately been dwelling upon this phenomenon a lot. Why do companies give free coffee to its employees ? Its not as philanthropic as you would think. You know what is the one thing coffee has in spades and which these capitalist conglomerates have had the foresight of using to their own benefits ? Its Caffiene. It keeps people awake. Why don't they provide free alchohol or drinks ? Because it doesn't serve their purpose. No more free coffee. On second thoughts, offering coffee or any other stimulant to someone who wants to sleep shall now be a crime. Me:1, Giant capitalistic multinational conglomerates: 0

3. Cricket shall be made the national (well... for lack of a better word) game of the world and Federer the universal god. Anyone playing American football will need to be either below 5 years of age or someone of a similar certified mental capacity. Games like Lacrosse and golf shall be banned and only prisoners shall be subjected to the agony of playing these. Ludo shall be included in Olympics and by the way each and every gold shall, by default, go to India. Why compete when your citizen is the head of the world ?

4. Karan Johar, Ekta Kapoor will be put in jail for life. Oh by the way, for doing so, I will need to create jails for monkeys. No more mediocre stuff on Television. Anyone not able to spell "I AM NOT A MORON" shall not be allowed to make serials or movies. In this way we can be sure that we are never again subjected to the tortures of Mohabbatein or KKKG or their ilk. Anyone not able to tell his 'C' from his 'G' shall not be allowed to compose music so that we can eliminate people like Anu Malik. On second thoughts, anyone ready to sell his principles or the standards of his art for 100 bucks or less shall not be allowed to do what he wants. We don't want people like Jim Davis (Garfield) running around. Its about time we get some decent, intelligent entertainment.

5. No more cute names for kids. How about getting a bit creative. How about naming your kid something like 'MortalKombat' ? How about starting his name with a special character like '&' ? How about sprinkling some more special characters like '&An$%78k23i t' ? Hell, try and name him ' '. That way whenever the teacher is taking attendance and she is quiet for a space of 8 seconds, your son will get up and say 'Present'. If you want more fun, name your other son with 7 spaces. I cannot imagine how great and confusing it would be. Seriously, is there a law which says you cannot do that ?

6. I have discussed this with phantom. There shall be a tax on stupidity. This is the only way by which an equitable distribution of wealth can be achieved. It also says a lot about the general distribution of wealth in the present society. It will have slabs which will depend upon a person's annual income and his IQ. It will be configured in such a way that if you somehow manage to amass as much stupidity as Paris Hilton and still manage to breathe, there shall be a 100% tax on you. Pretty nifty, eh ?

7. Since India is too narrow to have different time zones (USSR had 16 at one point), I would divide the country into horizontal time zones. I understand that it would not serve any purpose but no Indian will ever again have to lower his eyes in shame when asked by an American, how many time zones does your country have ? Huh. 17 ! And we don't even need them. Indians : 1, Americans: 0.

8. No decorative dogs strictly. No more cutefying your dog. A dog is supposed to bark his lungs out. If he cannot do that, his license as a dog will be revoked. If he does not go mad and run after cyclists, he is not worthy enough of being called a dog. No certified dog shall be allowed to be of the size of a mouse or a hamster. No more clothes and ribbons and socks for pets. No more 'great tasting' dog food.

9. Following phrases shall be stricken out of the English language as they don't mean a thing:
a. 'Hi, How are you doing?" (Especially if said by a person on a store counter)
b. 'I was like...' and 'Oh my gosh' (Especially if uttered by a teenage girl. On second thoughts most of the things she utters)
c. 'Live life to the fullest'
d. 'Keep climbing'
etc.

10. When my term is about to end, I will make another amendment proclaiming the throne for five more years so that I could make more of these senseless laws.

A tribute to the geniuses of Cricket

The story dates back about a decade. A tense Sunday morning brimming with palpable apprehension. The clock chimes 9 as me and my father switch our Onida on and wait for the match between India and Pakistan to start. Mother is making breakfast in the kitchen and my sister is probably dissappointed that she is not allowed to watch her regular fare of weekly cartoons. The rest of the day is spent clutching the handle of the sofa, sitting still in auspicious positions, shrieking my lungs out at every other Pakistani wicket, missing breaths at every next Indian one, cursing under my breath at every run out chance gone awry. Yes, it won't be hard for me to say that cricket gave me some of the most beautiful memories of my childhood. If it was not for cricket, I probably would never have experienced that rush of pure euphoria which accompanies a boundary, that surge of raw, unbounded emotion which punctuates every wicket, that feeling of 'I would kill the selectors if I ever get hold of them' when a Venkatpathy Raju performed his mediocre antics on the international arena. People might argue today that they have somehow grown up and have started liking more accepted and 'better' games like Soccer, but dammit, on any given day, I would be more than ready to stand on top of a building and claim my unabashed love for the beautiful game. And I would be ready to punch anyone who tries to reason the supposed incompetencies of Cricket vis-a-vis Soccer. Not because I think Cricket is better (well, it is) but because it was my childhood and no one gets to try to reason me out of loving my childhood and then walk away in one piece.

Since Cricket has given me so much to remember and love, it is only natural that I should pay my homage in whatever small way I can. Here it goes, a tribute to the geniuses of game. Names are in random order except the last one who without doubt is the greatest ever:

Wasim Akram: In my book, he is the greatest fast bowler ever, FULL STOP. He might have ruined so many of my days and dreams but none of it takes anything away from the fact that this guy had the greatest freaking control any human ever had over a cricket ball ever since the universe started about 10 billion years ago. He had more control over the trajectory, pace, and orientation of a ball than I have on my optical mouse. He could bowl 6 different balls in an over, probably 12 different ones in 2, each time hitting precisely the same spot on the pitch.

Imran Khan: The greatest captain along with Steve Waugh I have seen play. And he combined it with a truly lion heart, an amazing bowling talent, a formidable batting ability and an overall killer attitude.

Sachin Tendulkar: He is simply a god. I don't have enough words to praise his genius so I will just shut up here.

Shane Warne: The best spinner in history. Yes, Muralitharan might have overtaken him in wickets but his talent is simply insane. His repertoire is incredible. Flipper, Top Spin, googly, leg spin, arm-bowl, slider. You name it and he could produce a textbook, Oxfordian definition of the same on the ground. Some of his wickets are so mindboggling, they should be declared illegal. Case in point: "Ball of the century" where he got Mike Gatting out between his legs.

Brian Lara: That bundle of immense talent, unorthodox technique, nimble feet, lightening quick responses, graceful shotmaking ability, and above all "I can do it any time attitude", his mother decided to name Lara. He has the most beautiful batting technique ever to have graced a batsman. Most importantly, he made records at will. Case in point: 400 against England shortly after Hayden broke his records of 375 by making 380.

Michael Bevan: He had what an average of 70 ? Thats insane. I have never seen any other player who has taken his team to more victories single handedly. If Australia were chasing and Bevan was there and you did not get him out in the first 10 deliveries, you could as well just surrender for no total was too large for him. He had too much of a resolve to lose when comfortable.

Sourav Ganguly: Do I hear, "WHATs" and "HOW THE HELLs" ? Be that as it may, he is the greatest captain India has ever had. If it was not for him, Indians probably would have remained the pathetic losers they were under Azharuddin. He stood up against the establishment for the induction of new blood in Indian cricket at a time when the team was infested with parasites like Azhar, Prabhakar and their ilk and I respect him for it. He gave a fighting face to Indian cricket and that deserves a mention here.

Kapil Dev: "Did he fix matches" ? I don't give a damn. He won India its only World Cup and is that not enough ? He battled alone to make 175 when the team was teetering at 17 for 5 and single-handedly won the match. He took pain-killer injections in his knee and took 9 wickets. What right do we mere mortals have to question his integrity? He was the breath of fire in an age of subdued emotions and aspirations. A raging volcano amidst a calm sea.

Sanath Jayasuriya: People might say that he did not possess the requisite technical ability but so did Vivian Richards. After all the lengthy discourses, the fact remains that he shredded the greatest bowling attacks like no one ever could in history. He changed how the game is played for ever. Not to mention that he single handedly won the world cup for Sri Lanka (with all due respects to De'Silva).

Bradman, The 'DON': This Australian kicked so much ass, they had to change the rules of the game to avoid his kickery. If an inhuman test average of 99.94 does not elevate him to the the position of the greatest ever, I don't know what can. He had 29 centuries in 69 innings, 13 of which were doubles and 3 of which were triples. His lowest series batting average ever was 52 during the Bodyline series. For those who don't know, Bodyline was the name given to the infamous 1932-33 Ashes, a series which caused numerous injuries to Australian batsmen and ended a few careers. For crying out loud, Tendulkar has a career average of about 52 ! The most interesting statistic about his genius is given on his wikipedia page. It compares him to the greatest of other games. The jist of the exercise is that after statistical analysis, if the probability of a soccer player to have the genius of Pele among professional footballers is 1 in 9200, of a golf player to have the genius of Jack Nicklaus is 1 in 4300, of a basketball player to have the genius of Michael Jordan is 1 in 3000, the probability of a professional cricketer to have the genius of Bradman is 1 IN 184,000 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I rest my case.

I know that I have not mentioned the names of Steve Waugh, Gavaskar, Vivian Richards, Sobers, Lloyds, 3 Ws, and many more but it is more due to a space and time constraint and because of the fact that I was not there to watch their games. I am sure they were great and all my respect to those who made the game what it is and who are continuing to make this the greatest game o the planet.

A Perfect Stranger

I was strolling my way back from UCSD after a not so productive day of work. Walking silently, listening to Jagjit Singh pouring his mellifluous sonority through my ears, I almost failed to notice a voice which seemed to be calling me. I had just crossed an intersection and the voice seemed to be coming from behind. I turned to notice a car stopped at the intersection (it was not a red light, just a stop sign) and a lady waving at me. Thinking that she needed some directions, I approached the passenger's window of the car and removed my earphones to help her with the directions to whichever place she might have wanted to go.

Lady: Are you from India ?
Me: Yes.

That was how it all started. A conversation between 2 perfect strangers which lasted for half an hour in the middle of a road. For each of those 30 minutes, she sat in the driver's seat, I stood beside the passenger's window, her car's engine kept burning gas and other drivers had to maneuver their ways around her car. She seemed to be in her early thirties, gracefully dressed in a black dress with an overcoat and quiet charming in her overall demeanour. I enquired whether she had ever been to India when she asked me about my specific origins and seemed to know where places like Lucknow, Kanpur, Agra are. It turned out that she was married to an Indian guy and had been in India for about a month in 2005. At this point of time I started thinking if all of this was getting too personal for either's comfort but what followed really swept me from my feet. She started by lamenting that her husband (I think his name was Shobhit from what I could make out) had asked her to come to India but she couldn't really move so he had left her for good. He had married again in India. She on the other hand still felt deeply for him and regularily kept checking for his well being in India even after 2 years of his going back. She said that all she wanted was his happiness and that she, after all these years, had started giving up on those cherished times they had together. I am not really an emotional person, but this really made me feel very sad for her. Here was a lady who obviously loved her husband but now all the contact she has with him are weekly phone calls maybe. On top of that she knows that he has remarried but a faint, continuously dimming hope is still evident in her eyes. She is trying to laugh but her laughter is not able to hide the fact that she is really sad. On more than one occassions, I distinctly detected signs of her almost breaking down and on each of those occassions she tried a fake laugh and reprimanded herself for sharing too much with a stranger. She told me all about her husband's home in Ranchi, his relatives, the places they had been to, the Saris she had tried, the bangles she had worn, Taj Mahal, his mother's religious nature, the hot weather, the spicy food, her broken hindi, some salutations in Urdu etc.

Generally, I am not at all comfortable with strangers and it would be wrong to say that I was comfortable at that intersection. I wanted to leave but she was so engrossed in her past world that breaking her innocent trance almost seemed like a crime to me. I stood there, nodding my head in silent approval, indicating that I was sorry at whatever she had been through, listening to her excitedly talking about her little memories. I waited for the time she gave me permission to leave and left her hoping that she overcomes her situation and that no other Indian is born again with such a cold and possibly vile heart as Shobhit.

UCSD Research Expo '07

I am sure that each one of you in your lives have had atleast one of those days when nothing seems to go right. Its the day when you envy the luck of the dead chicken in your plate, or when you are almost ready to bang your head on the sidewalk for things could not go any worse than they already have. I had one of those days today on the occasion of the annual UCSD graduate student research expo and poster presentation.

As pointless as the act of presenting your research to unsuspecting victims in a 10 minute seminar is, it only gets worse and more difficult when you have to do it on a 36/48 inch poster. So when an email regarding an announcement to the effect happened to wander into my mail address, I did what any self-respecting sane graduate student would do: prompt deletion with another addition to my spam addresses list. Just when I was smiling smugly to myself at having done another task with aplomb and satisfaction, my mailbox showed another mail from my advisor asking me:

"Would I want to put up a poster."

Did you notice something in the last sentence ? It has no question mark. I am not a stickler at formalities but I know when a question is supposed to have an answer and when it is brimming with overwhelming rhetoricism. With extreme inertia, I agreed to make a poster. Then came another mail from my advisor where he asked:

"Would I want to volunteer for the expo." (Notice the absence of '?')

Almost on the verge of strangling myself, I consented to his wish. I would have silently suffered in the misery, had I not recieved another mail from the volunteer committee in which an overenthusiastic official chirped enthusiastically: "Thanks for volunteering. You get to wear a red shirt embossed with a UCSD logo on the day". Can you believe that ? A RED SHIRT for god's sake. They could as well have painted it fluoroscent lime and written "Stupid inside" and attracted less attention.

So well, the day I had been dreading for so long finally came today. Dressed in my immaculate red, I stood besides my poster, surrounded by a host of other posters. I noticed something very peculiar. There was an unusually high density of humanity surrounding each and every poster which surrounded mine. Mankind, due to some reason or another, found it extremely inhospitable to reside anywhere in the vicinity of my poster. Being the eternal optimist I am, I found a perfectly rational explanation for this phenomenon:

"According to the law of conservation of homo sapiens in a closed environment like a poster exhibition, the number of people will remain constant through time. Now when a lot of them are clustered at a few points in space, there are bound to be some spatial coordinates where their density is less. And today those coordinates happened to be those which supported me and my poster. Simple, eh ?".

Seriously speaking, I would like to believe that the human density function today was less a reflection of the hideousness of my poster and my obvious academic ineptitude but more a reflection (well, literally) of the eye scorching piece of crap I was wearing in place of a shirt.

Desh Raag

For an Indian who has spent the memorable and nostalgic parts of his childhood waking up unwillingly to the sounds of Vande Mataram being played on radio, raag desh should not really be something unheard. This Bankim Chandra's masterpiece is set to the mellifluous tunes of deshraag and although many varieties of the song came during subsequent years, the one that endears to my heart certainly is the original one. Part of the charm of the original track lies in the inherent beauty of raag desh itself. I have started listening to eastern classical music in a pretty engrossed way lately and to say that I have been overwhelmed by the immense beauty and depth of the music would be grossly understating the fact. I would like to believe that I have developed a preliminary understanding of the field but I am certainly not blind enough to claim anything more. Nevertheless, here is my understanding of a raga with special emphasis on raga desh:

I read in a book recently, "To say that a raga consists of notes would be like saying that a painting consists of paints and a poem consists of words". As incomplete as this description is, a raga does consist of a set of notes but that is not even begining to tell the full story. For those who are comfortable with the Indian musical notation, desh raag consists of the following notes:

आरोह (Ascent) :
सा रे म प नि सा'
अवरोह (Descent):
सा' नि(कोमल) ध प म ग रे सा

As can be seen, गंधार (ग) and धैवत (ध) are not used in ascent whereas a flat निशाद (नि) is used in place of शुद्ध नि in descent. If you just play out the आरोह on a keyboard you would be able to make out the underpinnings of Vande Mataram. The beauty of the raga emanates from the various sur combinations in particular the potent role assigned to रिशभ (रे). A raga also outlines some rules or directions in which a set of notes within that raga should be played. These combinations play pivotal roles in evoking the feelings a particular raag is supposed to evoke. Some of these combinations for desh raag are:

रे म प ध म ग रे, प (म ग रे)

रिशभ in this raag serves as the center of melodic gravity. The intonation of ध म ग रे is crucial and (म ग रे) refers to a changing the sur from म to रे in one continuous sweep, just grazing past ग. This can be done only in continuous or stringed instruments like flute or sitar or violin etc. but I am trying my best to replicate the effect on a synthesizer.

रे नि(कोमल) ध नि(कोमल) ध प, रे म प नि, नि, सा', रे', नि(कोमल) ध प, ध म ग रे
सा रे म प नि(कोमल) ध प, रे प म ग रे, (रे)ग, नि सा

I think my limited understanding does not allow me to speak any further in the subject. The only thing I would like to say is that listening to great masters play and playing some of this myself is almost a mystical experience. The beauty of this music can not be described in words and can only be experienced. Unlike western classical, there is a soul to our music, a throbbing life which permeates every composition, a live heart which resonates with every note and I cannot really expound on it enough for it is too personal for lengthy discourses.

Not so Starry Night on the Kukrail Sewage pond

*update: Item posted on ebay.

Its not technically a post. I have painted something which I consider is an epic. I got inspired by Van Gogh's 'Starry Night on the Rhone' and I think it is as good if not better. So now that we all know what a great work of art this is, I am ready to sell it to the highest bidder. Any art connoisseur's there ?



Can you believe that I managed to make this masterpiece in just 2 hours!!! Just as a comparison, I will put Van Gogh's painting too, just so that you guys could get a frame of reference. Do you also think that Van Gogh could have done so much better? *Smug glow of self satisfaction*, no one should be allowed to rule so much !!!:



Also, I have made a new site. Please do pay a visit if you have some free time. Its pretty preliminary:

Ankit Srivastava

New Resolution

No more posts for atleast a month. Possibly more.
Reason: I have, in some sense, started writing for those who read, something that I never intended to do.

Care to be politically incorrect ?

So many people during the last few days have told me that I criticize too much and that I should, for a change, praise something. So I decided to look into the things I could praise and came up with this extremely comprehensive list :

1. Federer (you know that alpha male of human species)
2. Cricket vis a vis Soccer (man, cricket rules so much, soccer does not even hold a candle to its greatness)

and then I ran out of ideas. The fact of the matter is that there are so many other things to praise but in all those cases, I just cannot be radical enough to piss off atleast some people and till there are atleast some people whose egos are hurt while I praise something shamelessly, where is the fun ? I could praise hindi poetry and classical music but why should I do it if everyone agrees with my point of view ? It will be just like 10 people sitting on a table starting to argue whether Hitler was right or wrong but everyone believing that Hitler was wrong. Such a discussion can never be interesting, far less informative and thought provoking. If I had been at that table I would atleast have started by praising Hitler just so that I could hurt some pointless egos. Its extremely interesting to see how easily people get threatened by a difference in point of view and how easily they assume the status of moral police just so that they could bring normalcy to a world gone haywire by the innocuous opinions of one random guy. I would ofcourse have been mercilessly mauled in that group but I would consider that a bargain. The fact of the matter is that we have far too many conformists pottering about in the society who would rather be politically correct than be themselves or atleast a bit of a sport. They think too much about what should be acceptable social behaviour and are far too afraid to have a radical, even a different point of view (and don't go shooting around with allegations of my being an elitist. If you did get offended by the last sentence then you probably do belong to the generalization I talked about and I can't do anything about it but if you did'nt get offended, so much the better. Its just my opinion and no one needs to go ballistic over it. If someone does go ballistic, I can only have a laugh.). I am not saying that mocking someone in a social gathering when he is demonstrably uncomfortable is right because it is not. If you do that you need to be sent to the gallows in my book because then you are one of those jerks who, in the ecstacy of hogging the limelight, tramples upon the emotions and sentiments of those who are too polite to hit you in the face with a hatchet then and there.

So this brings me to the crux of my discussion. Why do I criticise so much ? Its simple. Its a lot of fun. I am not necesarily a cynic although I do believe in everything I say to atleast some degree. The rest of it is just, what do you call, garnishing. It just so happens that most of the things I do not like (or hate) happen to be things which present ample room for scathing sarcasm on account of their overwhelming foolishness or stupidity. I am principally against them but all the spicing is just so that I could get a humurous point of view. So I decided to make a list of things that I do hate. Its a pretty comprehensive list and I am sure that some of it atleast is going to piss off each one of you but don't develop a hatred against me on account of it because this is what you expect from two different human beings: A difference in opinion in atleast some fields of life:

People who:
1. dye their hair, drink 8$ frappuchinos, wear extreme clothings or baggy pants, follow trends mindlessly, belong to Generation X, buy the latest gadgets, eat meat filled burgers, smoke, drink not because they want it or like it but just to prove some stupid point. Nobody cares. Atleast I don't.
2. sell their morals and principals too easily for money. Most of us have a selling price but still it doesn't stop me from hating it. I might also have a selling price and I hate that possibility because I know that there HAVE been some mortals who never sold themselves from money.
3. are pseudo feminists, "socialites" (what does that mean anyways), pseudo humanitarians, pseudo social activists, pseudo moralists, religious extremists, fanatics (I approve of nationalists though). In essence all those who are trying to be someone they are not. And believe me, it is much easier to spot them than they ever thought possible.

4. Obnoxious, shrill, misbehaved children. There are far too many jerks in the world and I assume they all used to be obnoxious, shrill, misbehaved children. I don't dislike these children as much as I dislike their parents who are just nurturing another future jerk. And did you notice how easily I managed to be entirely politically incorrect !

5. TV shows like Friends, family soaps, american football (man, did you ever see another game which required lesser skill to play. Even Ludo needs more skill), movies like Independence day, KKKG IAALYF Yo!, Titanic etc. They are far too insulting to a human being's intelligence to even be considered for release. I cannot comprehend how they manage to do so well.

6. immorality, dishonesty, too much conformism (as it kills creativity and free thinking), girls who talk about feminism but take undue advantage of their status as girls to move up in society by pleasing their bosses and who would expect you to leave your seat in a bus for them (equality my foot), the bosses who are so stupid to fall in the trap, boys who would rather take the course of empty praise to move up the social ladder than talent and hardwork.

I haven't even scratched the surface and I have so many things. There are surely many more things but you do get the idea why I criticise so much. There is far too much matter out there to make a delicious recipe of humurous bashing. Meanwhile I have decided that I will be updating this only on the weekends unless ofcourse if I decide otherwise :-).

P.S: Oh by the way if you did not get it, I was joking the whole time !!!!!!!!

BullSh*t

I was going through my daily motions of reading the articles on rediff, flinching at every next mention of 'Abhivarya', posting some stinging comments on the 1032nd report analyzing the utterly pointless and quiet disposable event of Shilpa Shetty derogated on Big Brother (Seriously, how can people be so jobless as to have the time to read those junk articles. Now I am sure some of you would say, "But Ankit you also read that article, LOL!!!", and I would say, "So What" and look shamelesly in the other direction)... You know, minding my own business as usual when I came across this article which mentioned this word bullshit and wrote it like bullsh*t and immediately, in the capacity of a self-appointed ass-kicker of hypocrisy, my bullshit detector started ringing like crazy.

I just don't get it. I can almost picture the man who wrote the article. When the moment came to vent his basic anger at whatever he was dissecting, he must have thought:

"hmmm, what should I write, what should I write... Oh yes... bullshit... but that won't be acceptable to the society... hmmm... hmmm... hmmm... how about bullsh*t !!!... Ingenious, Brilliant, Innovative... Man, I rule so much"

and he would have smirked a little, just like Edison would have smirked upon getting his 1022nd patent. However, in all the ecstacy of his stumbling upon this entirely genius plan he forgot one thing: His readers are not unicelled blue green algae and most of them possess enough gray matter to come up with the word bullshit when presented with the word bullsh*t. I assume that he expected one of the two scenarios, either of which will render his stance pretty much void:

1. I hope that people will figure out that what I am trying to say is the word 'bullshit'.
Argument: First of all, thanks for showing so much belief in the mental capacities of fellow humans but my point is that if most of the people ARE able to decode your elaborately encrypted code, doesn't it defeat your whole purpose ? If most of the people can add 2+2 then I contest that bullsh*t is as offensive as bullshit to all those for whom it is offensive. And seriously, we are talking about humans here. Not jellyfishes, not logs of wood, not Ekta Kapoors. Lets give some respect to their intelligence.

2. I hope that people won't be able to figure out what I truly meant by writing bullsh*t.
Argument: Do I even need to present an argument ? Nevertheless, whats the point of using a word in an article when you are wishing that no one will be able to get its import ? And I am sure that you are not doing any justice to your writing skills if you are writing for those who won't be able to make out bullshit from bullsh*t.

Nevertheless, the point which emerges from all this rambling is that if you do not want to offend people (which should depend entirely upon your set of ethics and your own social considerations) by writing some offensive word, don't write it at all. Don't go through the pains of encrypting it in a laughably moronic code only to end up getting decoded left, right and center by most of the humans and even some trained dogs and cats. I could delve into the psychological underpinnings of such an impulse, but I would rather save my and everyone else's time by terming it asyet another shining example social hypocrisy.

Pandit Ravishankar and Ustad Allarakha at Monterey pop '67

If you are music afficionados of any kind whatsoever*, you have to watch it. Full Stop:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=1BqAfNKb0Q4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UApLjfmJGbw&NR

Pandit Ravishankar and Ustad Allarakha in a mindshattering performance in Monterey. Combined video length is 18 minutes so watch it when you have ample time. Look at the spiritual rapture at the end and extended standing ovation. I am floored. Completely floored. I should just shut the hell up here because I don't even have words to adorn such a fantabulous performance.


*well if you like Britney spears or her ilk and your age is in double digits, in my opinion you need to evaluate your life right now. And yes, do tell me so that I can send you to my quarantined list.

Junk Mails

Disclaimer: Everything I say (ever in life) is probably said in a dazed state and probably does not mean a thing and probably is here just so that I (or others) could get a laugh. Please don't go marching on the streets protesting my arrest as an anti-social element. Howsoever crazy the idea seems, I want to tell you that you do have the right to NOT read it if you don't want to.
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Lately I have been getting so many junk forwards, I have seriously considered wielding my hatchet over those unsuspecting innocent souls who, I guess, do not realize that just by pressing a send over the "Forward" button in their mail browsers, they are helping in dumbing down the Internet to levels I had not thought possible (Yes, I have a hatchet. I keep it for emergencies like burgulary, street fights, terror attacks, if I meet Karan Johar or Ekta Kapoor some day, if there are too many children blasting off my ears in an an airplane etc.). The situation has become so bad, I have had to make a mail filter which sends mails with subjects having the word "Fwd" or any of its variants straight to Trash. I had thought of sending an e-hatchet as an auto reply to such mails but realized that I still live in a "civilized" society so probably that won't be taken in the right spirit. Nevertheless, here are some of the common types of forwards people keep inflicting upon humanity even though I am sure they have not had abusive parentage or exploited childhood and the world does not have anything against them:

1. 26 things a boyfriend should do to make his girlfriend love him: Just when you are rubbing your hands in excitement at being in the possession of the greatest set of gurumantra ever, you read the first point and are forced to break your Television just because you would probably have inflicted fatal wounds to your head had you not had some inanimate object to vent your fury upon. It reads, "Say ouch cutely when she hits you". Seriously ? Isn't that supposed to be spousal abuse and violence ? How about my making a video of the hienous crime and dragging her to the court so that I could extract some money out of the incidence upon charges of manhandling, mental trauma and violence and then buying some Round Table cheese slices, which by the way rule so much, I sometimes have to wonder if even God has them in his lunch (because I am pretty sure that God is a vegetarian).

2. Help a child dying with cancer. Pass this email : This kind of mail is probably written by someone (I will call him the 'Hacker!' in the spirit of the 'Dude!') who, I am guessing, flunked his computer course in his undergrad. He is not good enough to code-up a virus which could go to people's mail boxes and kick everyone's ass by transmitting itself to all those present in the address book, so he just makes up a laughably foolish tale of a cancer child who would be saved miraculously, if only you could forward his mail to all of your friends (thereby bringing the tally of your friends to ZERO). How pathetic ! you 'Hacker!'. THE ONE THING YOU HAD TO DO!!!. Even if I wanted to help that poor child, I am too lazy (and probably wise) to send it to all of my acquaintances. You could as well have coded a virus and named it "I-am-a-malicious-virus-but-I-believe-that-you-are-foolish-enough-to-still-fall-in-the-trap-and-open-me-for-I-have-been-effectively-disguised-to-take-advantage-of-your-bleeding-heart.vir" and be sure that with the amount of intelligence I have been gifted, I would easily have opened it. Seriously. Does anyone ever send those mails forward ? Oh wait! How did I get this ?... Where is my hatchet ?

3. Send this to 3 people, you will have your wish........... otherwise.............: Ooooooooooooooooooo. I am so afraid, I could not even sleep properly and had to watch KKKG IAALYF (for those of you who could not decode it: Kabhee khushi kabhee gham, Its all about loving your family, Yo!) just so that I could sleep (too bad that I almost choked upon suffocating mediocrity). I am so damn scared about the possibility of the curse of a junk mail ruining my life, I almost decide to do the impossible and the despicable i.e. send it to 3 friends atleast but then I wake up. The worst part of such a forward is that you see that the person who has sent you the mail has sent it to either 3 or 6 or 9 persons (or whatever number the mail mentions) and realize that homo sapiens is no longer the cleverest of all species. Seriously, I have stopped making donkey jokes. If donkeys ever come to know about this, they will kick some serious human ass.

4. From the desk of Mr......, Burkina Faso : These are one of those mails which claim that they are willing to pay millions of dollars for nothing and the worst part with them is that their subject does not contain "Fwd" so I cannot delete them automatically. But guess what. Their premise is so overwhelmingly foolish, you would believe that all the foolishness in the world has been used up by this one mail, but then you watch "Kyonki saas bhee kabhee bahu thee" and start believing in the infinity of foolishness. These mails are so stupid, they could as well have contained "Fwd" in their subject. Their subject would have read "Fwd: You have won 13 million dollars" and you would have wondered how come such an important and personal news comes to me in the form of a Forward. But if you think like this, you deserve to get scammed by those people. Here is what you do when you get one of these mails: DELETE THEM. Personally, I always send them an e-hatchet in return just because thos fools did not include an "Fwd" in their subject line and wasted my precious time.

There is so much much more but I am bored now. Rest for later.

Sensuality Misinterpreted ?

Ok. Pop Quiz.

Q1. What the hell is wrong with the world ?
Q2. Why are people like Mallika Sherawat, Koena Mitra and Rakhi Sawant still alive ?
Q3. What right do they have to be so damn stupid ?

I was just watching this KBC episode on youtube when my room-mate happened to click on Mallika's new year stage performance. Just as I was watching her shameless antics, I realized that we as a society might be closer to chimpanzees than we think (or perhaps Jellyfishes or donkeys). Nevertheless, I couldn't figure out how on earth could it be broadcasted on national television. I mean, where has all the decency gone ? For god's sake, freedom of expression is one thing and jiggling your undraped body over national television (NEWS!) for the viewing pleasure (or displeasure) of general public including children, parents and elderly is an altogether different ball game. Last time I heard, sensuality was supposed to be expressed more in subtlety than in crassness. When did they change that ? When did the general public lose all its taste for quality ? I would like to answer some of the general arguments in support of such shows that we face :

1. Its a feminist revolution.
Argument: No kidding. Seriously ? Lets just ask Rakhi Sawant what she understands by feminism some day. I have a pretty good idea about her IQ (after reading those interviews) and I can safely say that she won't score better than a mentally retarded earthworm who has had 3 tequila shots. The problem lies in the fact that too many ladies today are ready to climb up the ladder by selling their bodies and are too ashamed to admit it and would rather attribute their behaviour to some screwed up notion of feminism. They have no idea what injustices the feminist movement struggled against but are all too ready to take the shelter of 'feminism' when asked uncomfortable questions like 'Was it so necessary to take your clothes off for an action sequence ?". Why won't they just stand for their beliefs and principles. I guess they don't have any.

2. Its a matter of personal choice. Don't watch it if you don't like.
Argument: First of all, I can safely say that such an argument would either come from one of those metropolitant youths who have far too much money to have any rationality left in their heads or those college kids who, I am sorry to say, have only a preliminary idea of reality because, lets face it, between all their breakups and romances and classes and picnics and parties and discos, they hardly have any time left for rational inquiry (I was not very different so I don't blame them). Nevertheless, do I mind ? Hell yes I do. It would have been fine if Mallika had done an X-rated video and sold her CDs but who gives her the right to come dancing in my living room in all her transparent glory, completely uninvited ? Personal choice, my foot. The next person who tries to be diplomatic and "open-minded" and tries to teach me that I am one of those few orthodox fools who have been left behind in all this modernistic wave will have his hair pulled off and his foot in his mouth.

3. Have it. Flaunt it. (Mallika said this once I guess)
Argument: Agreed. But I am sure you have more. Why not flaunt that. Or am I crossing a sacrosanct territory ? Why this hypocrisy ? Why don't you flaunt it in every possible scene or party or movie ? Because somewhere down below you want to be seen as a serious actress, right ? Well get this, you are not. You probably possess as much acting talent as a charred log of wood. Only you are more annoying.

4. The scene (situation) demands it
Argument: Boy I have heard drivel. High quality insanity. But this line takes the cake. Who are they trying to fool. Agreed that as a society, we have failed miserably but still the average IQ of the nation would be atleast 20 points higher than any of those random actresses. Your veil is as transparent as your dress, missy.

I yearn for those days when sensuality and sexuality were implied. It doesn't have to be gross and visible to leave an impact. Too much detail kills the feel and the emotion of a situation and renders it disgusting. So while I understand that crass sexuality is a reality I have to live with, there is an easy solution which could remedy the situation. Instead of using garbage for making landfills, we could as well dump immoral hacks like Koena Mitra, Neha Dhupia etc. there. Although our environment would start smelling foul with all the garbage around, I for one is ready to live with that. Besides, I am sure that howsoever worthless the lives of such people are, they will atleast make usable manure.

Manos: The Greatest Movie Ever. EVER

If the title, "Manos" The hands of fate, does not strike cold fear into your heart then seriously dude, you need to see a doctor. This is one of those movies which comes once in a century, kicks incomprehensible amount of ass but no one notices because everyone is busy either crying buckets in KKKG (IAALYF) (for those who could not decode it: Kabhee khushi kabhee gham, Its all about loving your family, yo!) or racking their neurons on occult and ultimately futile endeavours like Mulholland Drive or going "Yo! America" in movies like Independence Day and God-bless-America-for-saving-the-world-again-for-everyone-else-is-supposedly-pusillanimous-enough-not-to-be-able-to-stand-on-their-own-feet.

The movie was written, produced, directed and starred (stop laughing) by American fertilizer salesman (I said stop!) Hal Warren as the result of a bet he made with his friends wherein he intended to make a successful horror movie on a shoestring budget. The movie was a complete failure at the box office but later scientific analysis of this phenomenon revealed that it happened because the theatre going public was still caught in the post-modernistic era and the frontal lobes of their brains were not developed enough to appreciate the genius of this great piece of art. Its like Vincent Van Gogh. He did not sell even a single painting all his life but look at the scene now, huh? Who is laughing his ass off now ? I would love to see the sullen faces of those who refused to buy his paintings then. Same is the case with Manos. 3 milleniums from now when homo sapiens will have developed enough to ragard story, coherence, dialogues, direction, acting, screenplay, edition and music as not so necessary elements for a good movie, this movie will kick some serious ass.

The movie starts with a 13 minute sequence where a camera just keeps on looking out from a moving car towards green fields and mountains. It was supposed to be the time when they had to roll the credits but basically those guys forgot this small detail so we just have a moving car for 13 minutes. Now don't think even for a second that this is a complete waste. Boy oh boy. Believe me, you will need to get settled for this movie. You will need each one of those 13 minutes to sink comfortably back in your chair because once the kickery starts, you will have your face rocked off forever. You will have to deal with one corny dialogue after another, one incoherent scene after another, one ham-act after another until you are left gasping for air, your hair all wet with perspiration, your voice barely making its way out of your parched mouth, your life begging for mercy. But mind you. No mercy shall be shown for Manos, the evil master, does not approve of mercy.

Man, I could go on and on and not be able to capture the glory of the movie in words. Lets just say that "Manos" The hands of fate is probably the most interesting event in the history of the universe after big bang i.e. if Big Bang ever happened. If not than "Manos" The hands of fate is THE greatest event ever. Here is a wikipedia article (written by some ignorant moron) about the movie. Don't believe even a single word. You have no idea how far off the mark, the article is :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/%22Manos%22_The_Hands_of_Fate

F.R.I.E.N.D.S S.U.C.K.S

I am sure that what I am about to say might invite a lot of flak but I would still go ahead and commit harakiri by stating something that I think is as axiomatic in the world as the result of 2+2 but nevertheless, is seldom admitted in social gatherings and public, for it carries with it the risk of inducing gasps, incredulous stares and hostile behaviour in fellow homo sapiens. So here it goes:

"FRIENDS SUCKS"

Man I feel so relieved. To even think that a human being could pack such an overwhelming amount of truth in just 2 words might have given jitters to people in the later part of the last century. But seriously, it is not me. Its just that 'Friends' is so crappy, any more words used to describe its crappiness would seem superfluous. Its like if you are trying to berate the actions of hitler. You just sway your head and say what he did was monstrous. You just cannot catch that amount of monstrosity in words so why even try ? Same is the case with Friends. The story of 6 people living in close proximity (literally), doing, well umm... nothing for most part, speaking, well umm... nothing substantial for most part and behaving, well umm... quiet immorally for most part.


Each episode starts with my imagining how much fun it would be to punch each one of them in the face (although for some inexplicable reason they never air this fantasy... I wonder why), then wanders onto exactly three different relationship issues. Each episode features new 'relationships' and after the 3rd episode of season 2, I became thoroughly confused as to who 2 were siblings, who was engaged to whom a few episodes back and why did they break up. I gave up trying to figure out as to why I should laugh at each of Joey's foolish acts (Seriously, if you keep banging your head on the door, a time will come when a sane person will stop laughing) or the smartass comments which the rest of the cast keep on inflicting upon the world for no apparent reason. I contest that the presence of a mere laughing track playing in the background is not reason enough for me give free reins to my zygomaticus major muscle.

To say the truth, there was a time when I used to like Friends but then I turned 20 and realized that comedy does not have to stoop to the level of mindless antics to be entertaining and that things which insult my intelligence as a human being do not deserve any respect whatsoever. I guess Friends is a big hit in India also and the only reason I can see is the complete lack of competing intelligent humour on Indian television but thats a completely different issue.

Before someone asks me, I would like to answer the question: 'If its so bad why do you keep on watching it'. The answer is simple. Its funny. No not the show. I do not laugh because of the show. I laugh at the show. And moreover, its an awesome feeling pestering the hell out of those who like the show :). Its the same reason why I argue with my parents about those Ekta Kapoor shows or with some of my friends about Karan Johar movies or with my roommate about how cricket is better than soccer. I just want to see how mad they will become before realizing that the argument is as worthless as a 5 paise coin.

Fed vs. Rod

I had decided not to write anything before I perfect Fur Elise (:-)) but the latest developments have been so astounding that I could not restrain myself.

Ha Ha Ha Ha.......................
I could laugh all through the article and be able to convey my deepest emotions over the Semi Final in Australian Open between Federer and Roddick, but I guess it won't be that interesting a read. So I will try to put in words what can only be surmised in skipped heartbeats and astonished gasps.

So much for the gap being closed. So much for the challenge of the young and the roar of the contemprory. So much for Federer being mortal. If you did not see the cold blooded murder which was committed this wednesday, you have missed one of the greatest spectacles which this creatively stunted society has to offer. It was not so much a victory but more of a virtuoso performance wherein Roddick was just reduced to the role of the facilitator of greatness. He was reduced to the status of a mere spectator (albiet with the best seats in the stadium) who watched helplessly as impossible cross-court passes eluded his formidable reach, as screaching forehand winners whizzed past his ears and as perfectly calculated lobs went soaring over his head. I do not blame his frustration. You are not supposed to be humiliated in such a fashion WHEN YOU ARE RANKED 6 IN THE WORLD. You are not supposed to be broken 5 times straight when YOU HAVE THE FASTEST SERVE IN THE WORLD. You are not supposed to be decimated in such a fashion when YOU HAVE BEEN KICKING EVERYONE ELSE'S ASS.

Federer glided on the court with the aplomb of Galina Ulanova (Ballet). He played with the imagination and creativity of Beethoven. He dominated with the ferocity of the Don (Bradman) and took care of affairs with the promptness and expertise of Holmes (Sherlock). It was such a spiritual experience. Just when I think the world has got nothing more to offer than stale celebrity gossip, depressing violent tales, immoral escapades of trechearous politicians or the vulgar materialistic success stories, something this pure comes up and reinstates my belief in basic human creativity.

There is still a final to go and I am sure that if Federer loses, there will be an army of people ready to kick my ass for my unabashed boasting Fedex's godlike stature. But what the hell. The chances of that happening are less than that of my getting "ALL" of this years nobel prizes and the next field medal :).

Fur Elise

Trying to play Fur Elise on the piano (synth to be exact :( )... No time or inclination for a post till then :)... you can listen to this beautiful beethoven piece here:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=LQTTFUtMSvQ

Hopefully, someday I might also put a link as to how I play and not be ashamed :)

His royal 'Dudeness!'

While writing my last post, I happened to write something about 'Dudes!' but felt that I had not really done justice to their potential with the small mention I made. So here it goes. A humble view of a humble person on the infinite greatness of 'Dudes!' and 'Dudeness!'.

First of all, I should set some ground rules. Any mention of this alpha race of humans and its exploits in this post will only be made inside the exclusiveness of apostrophes and will be followed by an exclamation mark, like 'Dudes!'. It is my way of giving them the respect they deserve and serves to linguistically express my awe and admiration everytime I see or talk about one of them.

So how do you know whether someone is a 'Dude!' or not ? They are an elusive breed you see and like to keep to their own generally. One of the distinguishing factors of 'Dudes!' is their I-don't-give-a-damn-about-anything-under-the-sun attitude which is well supported by their unweildy dressing sense, their habit of making smartass comments for untirely obscure reasons, their overall demeanor of having been extremely bored with the world in general and their general lack of basic hygiene. All of this is fine but the most basic trait which raises a mere mortal to the level of 'Dude!' is their uncanny ability of making the wrongest judgements at the wrongest possible time eventhough they had given as much thought to the problem at hand as was humanely possible for them. It is not really their fault. It is nature's way of saying, 'I wish smiles to you all'. They have a greater purpose than we mortals can possibly fathom. The 'Dude!' is working his butt off to bring happiness and joy to the millions who would otherwise have committed suicide in this depressing world. Whenever you read about an overzealous man getting gored by a bull just because he teased that fool a bit or a brave rebel getting rounded up and beaten by the police just because he did not look back to see that all his supporters had vanished or a politician who has made a living out of making smartass comments over Iraq and now brings smiles to the face of millions by constantly fuelling the episodes of 'The daily show' by making an ass of himself, you know that somewhere out there, a 'Dude!' is silently at work. Somewhere behind the scenes, the 'Dude!', relentlessly, is getting the kicking of his life just so that you could have a little colour in life.

The ironical, almost sad part of this amazing story is that the 'Dude!' never wants to land in trouble. He just wants to lead a simple isolated, quiet life. But fate, acting like the unreasonable villain it is, takes the views and actions of the 'Dude!' at their face value. It doesn't understand that the 'Dude!' challenged the herculean bully just because he wanted to impress his girlfriend or that he cried 'Hail Osama' at the airport just for fun or that he genuinly believed that he could jump from the third floor and land precisely on a bike moving at 60.

Since nature plots such vile a plan against the 'Dude!', the 'Dude!' in the greater scheme of things gets reduced merely to the role of the facilitator of giggles. And we should give him credit for this sacrifice. We should understant that even though 'His holy Dude!' doesn't like it, he suffers to bring us joy in myriad ways. So next time when you see a dog running after a guy who happened to bark at it or someone hanging with his nails on a wall who thought that the chair would be able to carry his 400 pounds or a million other such incidents taking place daily, allow yourself a smile for that is all he demands. That is all he is screwing his life for. The 'Dude', in all his holy 'Dudeness' suffers for you and in return, just demands a smirk.

Independence Day

I am not sure if you have seen this movie or not but I sure do remember watching it in Mayfair theatre in Lucknow (it shut down after this movie) on a hot summer day. Boy, was I happy then. English movies were very rare back then and if I remember correctly it was only the second one I had ever seen. It was amazing. All those planes blowing up left right and center. The evil aliens and entirely unnecessary love stories. The heroic President ( India had Devegowda those days) and his heroic commanders. The rest of the world waiting with its bated breath, watching how America saved the world. Boy, wasn't I STUPID.

I happened to catch on with the movie on tbs this evening and I must tell you, I felt proud at how much I have matured since the time I last saw it. You see, it is one of those movies which are so cheesy, so insanely stupid that they have immuned themselves from any prospective 'spoof' attacks. They are infact their own spoofs. Any more attempts at mocking those movies will only end up mocking themselves. Its like trying to spoof Kabhee Khushi Kabhee gham (Its all about loving your family). For crying out loud, even the title is by far the most hilarious combination of english words ever concieved by man. You see the problem ? No one can mock this. The hilarious rapture that a crying Shahrukh khan, Hrithik Roshan, Mr. and Mrs. Bachchan together can provide can hardly be matched by the directorial muscle of anyone less talented than Karan Johar.

Nevertheless, back to the roasting of Independence day, I must say that the movie is essentially a compilation of 3 things:

1. A beaten to death plot of aliens invading Earth for entirely obscure reasons. I never get this point. Like Calvin, I also believe that there is intelligent life in the universe and it is proved by the fact that it has not tried to contact us. What on earth can we offer them anyways ? A social structure based upon differences, tenuously hanging by the threads of compromises? A morally decaying society and an increasingly polluted atmosphere?

2. Regularly interspersed booms and bangs and shrieks and monstrous fireballs and emotional cliches and kisses and love stories and maudlin sentiments.

3. A heavy dose of badass guys with smartass comments. you won't believe how incredible those guys are. They are the DUDES. Their dudeness shines in their slick, in-your-face, trying-to-be-smart-but-managing-to-be-plain-stupid comments. If anyone on United 93 possessed even a fraction of the dudeness these guys ooze on 9/11, he would just have smiled at the terrorists and said 'Do whatever you want, just keep your voice down' and again went off to sleep, before dying ofcourse.

But the best part of the movie is the premise that the aliens which have travelled so many light years just to see some fireworks on Earth get defeated by a simple virus planted by a DUDE. I was wondering, what if the Aliens had Norton. They sure would have laughed their arse off at the stupid humans.

If you have seen the movie, I am terribly sorry at reminding you your horrible past. If not, I guess you get the idea.

Mass Mentality

I recently came across this documentary which depicted how mass consumerism was consciously introduced in the American society. I saw how the American economy was transferred from a need based system to a desire based system. How ownership of cars was projected as a depiction of male sexuality and how female smoking was consciously projected as a voice again male chauvinism. For a second I thought, god, how idiotic, I am sure the public will be able to see through it all. Well, what do you know, American society today is as materialistically crass as the latest charitable publicity stunt of all those hollywood celebrities and the modern Indian society is following like a faithful dog. It was so sad that I could not watch the full documentary. I hardly hate anyone more than those who refuse to think rationally, build a set a beliefs and have an informed opinion. Looking at the present scenario, I am led to believe that 95% of the human population hardly uses its rational powers, which is another way of saying that 95% of the population is foolish. Not inherently foolish. Just affectedly foolish. Foolish because they do not want to take the pains of rational thinking. Rational thinking - something that differentiates us from animals and jellyfishes and trees and furniture. Good job humanity. It seems that we have come a full circle of evolution.

To all those who buy into the above set of value (or the lack thereof), just some advices so that they can start using their brains for things it was originally meant to do :

- If you think that cigarettes or cars or hard drinks or meat filled burgers accenuate your male sexuality and ego, please be aware that you have a miniscule personality to build upon anyways. If I can pass it off without hurting your ego too much (which I hope to do), you lack the strength of character. The rest of it is just smoke filled partyhouse crap.

- If you think that smoking symbolizes a stance against male dominance, you will be surprised to hear that well, it does not. It was a gimmick started 80 years ago so that 50% of the world population can be addicted to it. I respect women's right for equality (my opinion doesn't matter anyways) but please do not play into the hands of the corporations for attaining it. There is no point trying to look like the plastic faced, personality less, dumb headed celebrities which seem to be pottering every nook and corner of every TV channel and magazine and newspaper. The fact that those ladies do not have anything else to gain respect from except their looks and apparel doesn't mean that you also need to give up intellect and grace for gaining it.

- If you think that you child will feel out of place if he does not has the latest technological gadget or bike or fancy dress or for god's sake english language, you probably belong to points 1 or 2 yourself. Now that you have screwed up most of your life anyways, its time to hammer in some brains into that little brat of yours. Why not try building some self respect in him ? You can either do it by patiently talking to him or if he is too spoilt for that, try giving him a regular dose of lets just say, not so friendly pat on the backs (Seriously, I believe in 'Spare the rod........').

- And if you think that those ads which advertise great tasting dog food really have figured out the culinary likes of your pet, you need to go to an asylum. No, on second thoughts, you should be kept in a museum just to depict how close man got to get intellectually confused with a chimpanzee.

Please, please, think. Don't follow what others are doing without giving it a thought. Spare some time and brains on figuring out why you believe in the things you believe in. Otherwise there is not much difference between a human and a lump of rotting garbage. If you give that lump a shape, the ability to walk, and the ability to talk incessantly, I guess you won't be able to make out the difference.

Well, who am I kidding. 95% of the population thinks I am a nutcase :).

Interesting Phrases - 1

Without any undue story-buildup, let me present some interesting phrases which are easily encountered in day-to-day conversation and which make a person, not so gifted in the mental faculties like me, think about their meaning and even relevance to the present situation:

1. "Like whatever dude" : I hereby contest that mankind in all its humble ingenuity has never ever come up with a vaguer concoction of words. To even think that a set of just 3 words could convey so much vagueness is overwhelming. Look at the sentence. 'Whatever' in itself is probably the single most confused and vague word ever invented by man. It points to no one in particular. It references no particular direction of thought. And worse, it simultaneously tries to point to and reference every possible subject under the sun. If I were given the authority of replacing 'whatever' with something else, I would rather have decreed that whenever someone needs to use 'whatever', he would rather just maintain silence for 2.3 seconds (written as "Like -------- dude"). See, it communicates as much meaning with a negligible waste of energy. Nevertheless, then the speaker is trying to equate some situation with 'whatever'. Now, I would not have gone nuts if 'like' was a normal word. 'Like', in modern societies is spoken not as a verb or a preposition but as a conjunction (for eg. 'and') and is just used to join sentences so different from each other that every such usage of 'like' is disturbing the sleep of dead victorians all across the world. Nevertheless, even if we take this usage of like in the prepositional spirit, what is the speaker trying to convey ? I might have asked him, so how was the food ? Pat came the answer, 'Like whatever dude', and I with an obviously stunted social comprehension factor is left in the lurch to ruminate over the multitude of possibilities that the food could have tasted like.

Crap!, I thought academia was difficult and art was difficult and a million other elaborately planned human pastimes were difficult. I never thought that I would be so stumped by just 3 words. To the proponents of modern language, I present to thee, my head on a platter :).

P.S: I thought that I would include a few more phrases but this one turned out to have a lot more potential than I expected. So others will have to wait.

Trend-follower

"LOL :)!!!. I m a gr8 frnd LOL :)!!!. Smart, senzitiv nd kool LOL :)!!!.........."

Minus some exaggeration, this is how the profile of one of my friends went during my Orkut days. The moment I saw this, I thought, well, he goes into the quarantined list from this moment onwards. The problem with this statement is that it is too concealed beneath layers of borrowed style and substance to establish any kind of credibility or individuality for the author. Not to mention that the sentence is full of loads of over-the-top lies. I mean, for a second I thought that I had just witnessed the profile of someone who truly embodied the perfection of the human specie like, God or Chuck Norris or Karan Johar. And even if it was the all too great Karan Johar saying these words, even he, in all his immeasurable idiocy would not have been able to carry the burden of the heavy dose of self-aggrandization which permeates the sentence.

Nevertheless, the fact that I came across some kids in the local grocery store today wearing some kind of in-your-face, extreme T-Shirt made me remember the stereotype which underlines such people. They are the same kind of people who would be forced to listen to Britney Spears or for that matter even rock just because their friends do it, use crazy language to express themselves just because its supposed to be cool, drink at parties not because they like it but because everyone else is doing so and they are being forced etc. They buy into the latest fashion trends and happily pay a fortune big enough to provide for the food of an average family for days just so that they could fit in the upcoming social event. They are the same ones who speak english rather than their native language even if it does not serve any advantage just because its supposed to be such an 'in' thing to do. And they are the same ones who, for lack of an individuality, wear forced mannerisms, phony morals and affected beliefs in social gatherings.

I am not saying that people should not listen to Britney Spears or not drink or not use crazy language. But only if they really find it good or useful or advantageous. If such is the case, all the self-righteous snobbish blabbering about how Beethoven is more desirable than Britney Spears is just a load of nothing. And I am not saying that I am any better, but I am trying hard to improve.

The fact of the matter is that those who would only accept an individual if he conforms to some norms expected by that group do not even deserve the friendship or acquaintance of that individual. True friendship does not have a price tag on it and neither does it have rules and clauses. And it is futile to think that someone can fool the world by not being himself. The truth is only thinly hidden and when it becomes evident, its dirty and disgusting. And moreover, everyone gets just one chance to live. What a way to spend that chance if it is spent pleasing everyone else except oneself ?

Finally, for all those incredible jerks who would rather have you do something forcefully against your own wish, I am sure, their stupidity is not something which a quick jab on the jaws and a roundhouse kick on the backside cannot cure :). Just kidding...

P.S: Have been cribbing a lot these days, isn't it ? Hoping that the next post will be a bit more sane.

Federer plays Cricket

http://in.rediff.com/sports/2006/dec/23roger.htm (Federer plays cricket)

Man!!! If ever there was a news snippet which ruled like crazy, this is it.

Most of my friends, even after being Indians, somehow inexplicably are woefully ignorant of the glory of the best game on the planet. They say that the game is suited only for lazy people like me. Well, now you wouldn't call a tiger lying low, in wait for his prey, lazy, would you ? He is just silently waiting for that one moment of weakness on the part of his prey when he can explode with a debilitating burst of energy. My friends don't see the similarity between the tiger and a cricket fielder which I see. Cautious, silent, shrewdly calculating, ever attentive, he grabs on to the ball with fearsom energy when the situation demands.
Alas, they would rather see the glass half empty :).

Nevertheless, well ? Who has the last laugh now ? I am sure, watching the alpha male of human species himself adorn the beautiful game might have raised some doubts about some of your most fundamental beliefs. If you have finally seen the light at the end of the tunnel and come face to face with one of the axiomatic truths of the world i.e. cricket is probably the greatest atheletic activity ever undertaken by man after maybe Pheidippides' legendary run from Marathon to Athens giving birth to Olympics, then welcome to my side. If you are still unsure (read wrong, I like to be politically correct) and would like to believe that you still need a bit more time to accept what is only inevitable, be my guest. In either case, if I may just remind you of the fact that there are only two absolute truths in the world. The first is that Federer rules and the second is that cricket rules. And no scale has thus far been invented which could measure how much the spectacle of Federer playing cricket RULES. The only thing that could have beaten this scenario on this scale of fantabuluousness was maybe Federer playing cricket with Audrey Hepburn on the runner's end :).

What is all this hoopla for ?

First of all, let me clarify that this post is not the result of the weary imaginations of a disgruntled soul harbouring jealous feelings against IITs and IITians. If it serves to strengthen my point of view by giving it a more impartial tinge and if I may mention it without seeming to be a snobbish brat, I too am an alumni of one of these institutes.

I have been following rediff.com for a long time now but have lately seen an exponential increase in the number of IIT and IITian related articles on the portal. As an example, from december 1 to december 18, there have been 25 different articles on the subject which pegs the daily average of journalists, who would rather concoct a crowd-pleasing, easy to assemble article on a subject as beaten to death as the glowing exploits of IITians than doing some real research on a real topic at a healthy figure of 1.388888889 (and my calculator gave up here).

Agreed that the interest in the subject has been revived due to the scheduled Pan-IIT conference, is it just me or do others also think that all this hoopla is turning out to be another cheap example of climbing onto the bandwagon of mediocre journalism, the likes of which seem to permeate every aspect of today's society. Dear God!, the situation is bad enough with all those sensationalistic news channels bombarding us with a new breaking news every other minute. A society which manages to throw up on an average of 400 breaking news per day must surely be incredibly high on pheromones. But I am aware that this is not the case because I know that I have not seen a few accidents, some bank robberies, a dozen celebrity scandals, 2-3 government upheavels, and atleast 5 terrorist bombings on a daily basis.

Nevertheless, the point of all this rambling is that the renewed interest in IITs just seems to be an extension of the general trait of journalism which encourages reporters to write socially pleasing articles. And I thought, I had heard somewhere that news is supposed to shape social outlook rather than reflect it.

The underlying point of the matter is, 4000 IITians do not represent India. The 10% growth which the Indian economy is so hopefully looking forward to, is not one of the miracles at the hands of the IITians who comprise less than .01% of the national population. Agreed that it might be spearheaded by some of them, but the fuel that has kept burning it for last several years are the 23% of the Indian work force employed in the service industry and the 50% employed in the agriculture industry. So while it sounds nice to occasionally hear how an IITian killed a bear with his naked hands or doused a fire with his spit or ran faster then light (with light travelling in vacuum and the IITian in water), I think we have had enough. I am sure that rediff is catering well to all those parents who have a kid in 12th and would so much want to see him/her enter one of those hallowed portals and all those kids who have the misfortune of having such parents, why not start doing some real reporting for change? You know, something that meaningfully affects atleast 5% of the population and doesn't look down upon 99.99%.

uff...

सहमी सी इक नज़्म के सहमे हुये अल्फ़ाज़
कतरों में सिमटती हुई, मन की इक आवाज़
आँखों में सर्द रोशनी की आख़री किरन
दम तोड़ते हुये दिल की आख़री धड़कन
बस एक इनायत की नज़र कर तो दो सरकार
जीना तो था बेकार यहाँ, मौत तो हो साकार !

ज़ालिम तेरे ज़ुल्मों कि ये अब इंतहा तो है
इन रंजिशी नसों में दर्द ही बहा तो है
बस एक मुलाकात ही को, मैं होता बेकरार
इस आख़री एहसान से भी है तुझे इनकार ?
माना भी चलो तुमको ना था मुझसे कभी प्यार
पर झूठ ही कह दो चलो मरने तो दो इक बार

Addled Ads

There are few things in this world which irk me more than those supposedly made-for-the-masses American advertisements which seem to insult my intelligence by being extraordinarily dumb.

They are not the kind of dumb that you see permeating the portals of the world in the guise of under the age of 15 boys who wholeheartedly believe that all that stupid WWF stuff happens for real, all the while managing to convince their dumb parents that they possess a 'serious' opinion about 'real' things. They are not the kind of dumb that expresses itself so proficiently in those teenage girls who regularily manage to shoot beyond 1000 minutes of talk time every month even though they rarely have anything substantial to say and who cannot complete a single sentence consisting of a total of 11 words without using atleast 8 'like's in it. And they are not the kind of dumb which gets personified in those adult men who think that brawn and brashness are the true denominations of manhood and those adult women for whom incessant, almost maniacal self indulgence is the normal way of life. Sir no sir. These ads are bad. They are so bad, you would want to put your head into the working end of the barrel of a 150 mm heavy artillery gun and hope that the soldier operating it is considerate enough to give you the sweet respite of death. These ads are so cheap and mindless, they make even the worst creations of Ed Wood and Karan Johar seem like Operatic masterpieces. Some examples :

Time Warner Cable : 3 guys. 1 dressed as a telephone, 1 as a laptop, 1 as a TV. Trying to hammer in the point that I could get all the three for one low price if I go for TWC. (Ho Ho Ho. That was subtle. Why not just tie those 3 guys in a red ribbon. Then you would be SURE that us fools would REALLY get the point that the 3 come together. You are giving way too much weightage to our pea sized brains here dudes.)

Verizon Wireless : A family of 4 in a shopping mall deciding how to communicate with each other as each one of them is supposedly going to shop at a different place. After deciding that A calls B, B calls C, C....... they finally realize that none of them has a phone. . . . . . Yes!!! its over. Can you believe that ? Not only does it stand for the sheer stupidity which these ads makers have managed to amass, it also manages to shoot off few more working neurons from my already moronized brain, everytime I watch it.

Casino Pauma : A middle age lady: " I won 10000$ ", A balding man : "I won a hummer", An overecstatic asian : "I won 5000$" followed by the directions to Casino Pauma so that I could at once pick up my cell, my keys and a wad of 100$ notes and straightaway rush to the place. Wow! that was easier than I thought. People around the world spend the better parts of their lives trying to figure out how the hell could they increase the sale of their trashbags by 5%. All they had to do really was to get an entirely unconvincing 50 year old and make him blurt out on TV that he likes the trashbags. And ofcourse, the rest of human population forgot to develop beyond the neanderthals, right?

I have too many examples to list here. Rather than boring you, I would sulk in this misery alone :).

Hell currified

Remember the last time when you were at a friend's place for dinner and were served with so bad a dish that you almost wished to have rather taken birth as the chicken on your plate rather than the one who had to eat that chicken. Think of that dish which made you envy the luck of all those 6 billion living people which were not in that room with you and those 100 million dead ones who never had to come face to face with the cruel reality of how bad things could really get. Now multiply the putridness of that dish by the avogadro's number and you will start to get a rough estimate of how screwed-up we managed to make our last culinary experiment.

Yes, I have to say. The world has finally witnessed the nadir of human creativity. Note this day down in your history books for there shall be a day when you or one of your descendents will be asked in an interview, "So what would you consider the most incredibly stupid act of all of humanity". And if, driven by a lack of knowledge, the answer which is blurted out is one of the following : 'Holocaust', or 'Nuclear bomb on Japan' or 'Friends', or 'Karan Johar and Ekta Kapoor', I am afraid, but it will be met with a cold, incredulous, almost sympathetic stare. You shall be corrected as: 'Why? don't you remember the 13th of November, 2006 A.D. when Ankit and K2 managed to show the world that everytime anyone had ever thought that things could not go any worse, they had underestimated the genius of the two aforementioned people by a factor of 10'.

To cut a long story short, from a perfectly harmless assortment of Onions, tomatoes, chicken and a few other peripherals, we managed to concoct something so grosely disgusting that its occurance probably lies at minus inifnity on a normally distributed probability curve. The only constructive result that we could boast off from the experiment was probably the fact that the world was freed of two burnt cooking utensils.

It was really an eye opener. One of the few occassions wherein you just have to give in to the force of nature and your sheer helplessness against it.

Thus spoke Bill

"You will find your own ethical dilemmas in all parts of your lives, both personal and professional. We all have different desires and needs, but if we don't discover what we want from ourselves and what we stand for, we will live passively and unfulfilled. Sooner or later, we are all asked to compromise ourselves and the things we care about. We define ourselves by our actions. With each decision, we tell ourselves and the world who we are. Think about what you want out of this life, and recognize that there are many kinds of success...

...But having an enviable career is one thing, and being a happy person is another.

Creating a life that reflects your values and satisfies your soul is a rare achievement. In a culture that relentlessly promotes avarice and excess as the good life, a person happy doing his own work is usually considered an eccentric, if not a subversive. Ambition is only understood if it's to rise to the top of some imaginary ladder of success. Someone who takes an undemanding job because it affords him the time to pursue other interests and activities is considered a flake. A person who abandons a career in order to stay home and raise children is considered not to be living up to his potential-as if a job title and salary are the sole measure of human worth.

You'll be told in a hundred ways, some subtle and some not, to keep climbing, and never be satisfied with where you are, who you are, and what you're doing. There are a million ways to sell yourself out, and I guarantee you'll hear about them.

To invent your own life's meaning is not easy, but it's still allowed, and I think you'll be happier for the trouble."

- Bill Watterson,
excerpts from "SOME THOUGHTS ON THE REAL WORLD BY ONE WHO GLIMPSED IT AND FLED"
May 20, 1990, Kenyon College Commencement

Intellectual Inertia of the Indian Intelligentsia

It is 9:00 in the night and you are going to have a nice little dinner with your family. You sit down in a comfortable chair and press the red button that sends the television blaring its cacophony at 73 decibles of ear-shredding noise. You hope to be entertained but what you find on the screen is one of the now infamous genre of family conspiracy serials, dished out with ample amounts of glitter and phoney morals and sweet yammering, crying bahus and vixenesque saases and mutely submissive, disgustingly foolish males and plots contrived and impossible enough to send those 5 working neurons in your head into a state of shock induced coma. From then onwards, you assume the role of one of those sub-18 year olds during election times. Nobody cares what you think of the serial. Your family is too disgustingly engrossed in the trash to see that one of their close relatives is about to choke on suffocating mediocrity. And you begin to think, what is wrong with Indian television or more importantly with Indian cultural and artistic expression in general ?

The fact of the matter is that television and movies today constitute a herculean chunk of the artistic facade of any society. Their immense reach far outweighs any other vehicle of cultural expression. Therefore, their content can safely be taken to principally represent the creative quotient of the entire society in general. If this is the case, I am afraid to say, but the country has seldom found itself so devoid of originality of ideas, and the will of creation.

Whereas on one hand the small screen is content at providing airtime to the convoluted, disfigured fantasies of the likes of Ekta kapoor, the silver screen meekly bends down to the whims and fancies of cry-baby directors like Karan Johar and Chopra family. Whereas the small screen blatantly copies every american success story (yes, KBC, Indian laughter challenge and all those reality competitions are shameless copies), imagination and creativity seem to be giving way to obscene vulgarity and violence on the big screen. I am not saying that vulgarity and violence should be wholly abhorred. I am just saying that they should not act as veils to hide the sheer ineptitude of directors at using whatever little grey matter they have been blessed with. I fondly remember the days when a Sunday morning on Doordarshan used to be a worthwhile waiting experience. And I miss the brilliance of a Hrishikesh Mukherjee at weaving a complex interplay of human emotions.

I hardly hate anything more than creations which have to take the support of cheap populist gimmicks to get accepted by the society. Art is a sacred profession. It is so much more personal than technology. Its creation should not be governed by something as vulgar as societal acceptance and money. Sadly, this is what seems to be happening to the entertainment industry in India. Movies and serials try to play into the hands of the college going, big city student populace most of whom think that their last breakup was the worst thing to have hit the society in the last 50 years and who are blessed with stupid enough parents with deep enough pockets to have any kind of discriminatory power anyways. Or they go to the other extreme and try to gain the acceptance of those over-the-middle age parents, who somehow have forgotten what good entertainment used to taste like and have now become numb enough not to raise an eyebrow when an Ekta Kapoor sends any army of intermarried, conniving, glossy and fake actors to throw them into what can only be described as a state of mental anesthesia.

Hats off to those who claim to be the spearheads of Indian imagination. I can only imagine, if the bayonet is so blunt, how ineffective the rifle has become.

Hopeless

ज़िंदगी आज नाउम्मीद थोड़ी कम होती
गर तेरी आँखें उस दिन कुछ नम होतीं

ये सोच के कि तू भी कभी याद करती होगी
मैं तो जीने को तय्यार था
लेकिन उस दिन तेरी मुस्कुराहट में
न संवेदना थी न प्यार था
कुछ कहते कहते ही रुक गया मैं
वरना ज़िंदगी मेरी भी खुश सनम होती
गर तेरी आँखें उस दिन कुछ नम होतीं

इस लिये खड़ा रहा कि
मुड़ के देखोगी एक बार
लिये दिल में एक अनसुनी आह
आँखों में धूल का गुबार
सूखे होठों पे सहमी सी चाह में
झलकती मौत की ज़िंदगी कुछ कम होती
गर तेरी आँखें उस दिन कुछ नम होतीं