I am sure that what I am about to say might invite a lot of flak but I would still go ahead and commit harakiri by stating something that I think is as axiomatic in the world as the result of 2+2 but nevertheless, is seldom admitted in social gatherings and public, for it carries with it the risk of inducing gasps, incredulous stares and hostile behaviour in fellow homo sapiens. So here it goes:


Man I feel so relieved. To even think that a human being could pack such an overwhelming amount of truth in just 2 words might have given jitters to people in the later part of the last century. But seriously, it is not me. Its just that 'Friends' is so crappy, any more words used to describe its crappiness would seem superfluous. Its like if you are trying to berate the actions of hitler. You just sway your head and say what he did was monstrous. You just cannot catch that amount of monstrosity in words so why even try ? Same is the case with Friends. The story of 6 people living in close proximity (literally), doing, well umm... nothing for most part, speaking, well umm... nothing substantial for most part and behaving, well umm... quiet immorally for most part.

Each episode starts with my imagining how much fun it would be to punch each one of them in the face (although for some inexplicable reason they never air this fantasy... I wonder why), then wanders onto exactly three different relationship issues. Each episode features new 'relationships' and after the 3rd episode of season 2, I became thoroughly confused as to who 2 were siblings, who was engaged to whom a few episodes back and why did they break up. I gave up trying to figure out as to why I should laugh at each of Joey's foolish acts (Seriously, if you keep banging your head on the door, a time will come when a sane person will stop laughing) or the smartass comments which the rest of the cast keep on inflicting upon the world for no apparent reason. I contest that the presence of a mere laughing track playing in the background is not reason enough for me give free reins to my zygomaticus major muscle.

To say the truth, there was a time when I used to like Friends but then I turned 20 and realized that comedy does not have to stoop to the level of mindless antics to be entertaining and that things which insult my intelligence as a human being do not deserve any respect whatsoever. I guess Friends is a big hit in India also and the only reason I can see is the complete lack of competing intelligent humour on Indian television but thats a completely different issue.

Before someone asks me, I would like to answer the question: 'If its so bad why do you keep on watching it'. The answer is simple. Its funny. No not the show. I do not laugh because of the show. I laugh at the show. And moreover, its an awesome feeling pestering the hell out of those who like the show :). Its the same reason why I argue with my parents about those Ekta Kapoor shows or with some of my friends about Karan Johar movies or with my roommate about how cricket is better than soccer. I just want to see how mad they will become before realizing that the argument is as worthless as a 5 paise coin.


Fed vs. Rod

I had decided not to write anything before I perfect Fur Elise (:-)) but the latest developments have been so astounding that I could not restrain myself.

Ha Ha Ha Ha.......................
I could laugh all through the article and be able to convey my deepest emotions over the Semi Final in Australian Open between Federer and Roddick, but I guess it won't be that interesting a read. So I will try to put in words what can only be surmised in skipped heartbeats and astonished gasps.

So much for the gap being closed. So much for the challenge of the young and the roar of the contemprory. So much for Federer being mortal. If you did not see the cold blooded murder which was committed this wednesday, you have missed one of the greatest spectacles which this creatively stunted society has to offer. It was not so much a victory but more of a virtuoso performance wherein Roddick was just reduced to the role of the facilitator of greatness. He was reduced to the status of a mere spectator (albiet with the best seats in the stadium) who watched helplessly as impossible cross-court passes eluded his formidable reach, as screaching forehand winners whizzed past his ears and as perfectly calculated lobs went soaring over his head. I do not blame his frustration. You are not supposed to be humiliated in such a fashion WHEN YOU ARE RANKED 6 IN THE WORLD. You are not supposed to be broken 5 times straight when YOU HAVE THE FASTEST SERVE IN THE WORLD. You are not supposed to be decimated in such a fashion when YOU HAVE BEEN KICKING EVERYONE ELSE'S ASS.

Federer glided on the court with the aplomb of Galina Ulanova (Ballet). He played with the imagination and creativity of Beethoven. He dominated with the ferocity of the Don (Bradman) and took care of affairs with the promptness and expertise of Holmes (Sherlock). It was such a spiritual experience. Just when I think the world has got nothing more to offer than stale celebrity gossip, depressing violent tales, immoral escapades of trechearous politicians or the vulgar materialistic success stories, something this pure comes up and reinstates my belief in basic human creativity.

There is still a final to go and I am sure that if Federer loses, there will be an army of people ready to kick my ass for my unabashed boasting Fedex's godlike stature. But what the hell. The chances of that happening are less than that of my getting "ALL" of this years nobel prizes and the next field medal :).


Fur Elise

Trying to play Fur Elise on the piano (synth to be exact :( )... No time or inclination for a post till then :)... you can listen to this beautiful beethoven piece here:


Hopefully, someday I might also put a link as to how I play and not be ashamed :)

His royal 'Dudeness!'

While writing my last post, I happened to write something about 'Dudes!' but felt that I had not really done justice to their potential with the small mention I made. So here it goes. A humble view of a humble person on the infinite greatness of 'Dudes!' and 'Dudeness!'.

First of all, I should set some ground rules. Any mention of this alpha race of humans and its exploits in this post will only be made inside the exclusiveness of apostrophes and will be followed by an exclamation mark, like 'Dudes!'. It is my way of giving them the respect they deserve and serves to linguistically express my awe and admiration everytime I see or talk about one of them.

So how do you know whether someone is a 'Dude!' or not ? They are an elusive breed you see and like to keep to their own generally. One of the distinguishing factors of 'Dudes!' is their I-don't-give-a-damn-about-anything-under-the-sun attitude which is well supported by their unweildy dressing sense, their habit of making smartass comments for untirely obscure reasons, their overall demeanor of having been extremely bored with the world in general and their general lack of basic hygiene. All of this is fine but the most basic trait which raises a mere mortal to the level of 'Dude!' is their uncanny ability of making the wrongest judgements at the wrongest possible time eventhough they had given as much thought to the problem at hand as was humanely possible for them. It is not really their fault. It is nature's way of saying, 'I wish smiles to you all'. They have a greater purpose than we mortals can possibly fathom. The 'Dude!' is working his butt off to bring happiness and joy to the millions who would otherwise have committed suicide in this depressing world. Whenever you read about an overzealous man getting gored by a bull just because he teased that fool a bit or a brave rebel getting rounded up and beaten by the police just because he did not look back to see that all his supporters had vanished or a politician who has made a living out of making smartass comments over Iraq and now brings smiles to the face of millions by constantly fuelling the episodes of 'The daily show' by making an ass of himself, you know that somewhere out there, a 'Dude!' is silently at work. Somewhere behind the scenes, the 'Dude!', relentlessly, is getting the kicking of his life just so that you could have a little colour in life.

The ironical, almost sad part of this amazing story is that the 'Dude!' never wants to land in trouble. He just wants to lead a simple isolated, quiet life. But fate, acting like the unreasonable villain it is, takes the views and actions of the 'Dude!' at their face value. It doesn't understand that the 'Dude!' challenged the herculean bully just because he wanted to impress his girlfriend or that he cried 'Hail Osama' at the airport just for fun or that he genuinly believed that he could jump from the third floor and land precisely on a bike moving at 60.

Since nature plots such vile a plan against the 'Dude!', the 'Dude!' in the greater scheme of things gets reduced merely to the role of the facilitator of giggles. And we should give him credit for this sacrifice. We should understant that even though 'His holy Dude!' doesn't like it, he suffers to bring us joy in myriad ways. So next time when you see a dog running after a guy who happened to bark at it or someone hanging with his nails on a wall who thought that the chair would be able to carry his 400 pounds or a million other such incidents taking place daily, allow yourself a smile for that is all he demands. That is all he is screwing his life for. The 'Dude', in all his holy 'Dudeness' suffers for you and in return, just demands a smirk.


Independence Day

I am not sure if you have seen this movie or not but I sure do remember watching it in Mayfair theatre in Lucknow (it shut down after this movie) on a hot summer day. Boy, was I happy then. English movies were very rare back then and if I remember correctly it was only the second one I had ever seen. It was amazing. All those planes blowing up left right and center. The evil aliens and entirely unnecessary love stories. The heroic President ( India had Devegowda those days) and his heroic commanders. The rest of the world waiting with its bated breath, watching how America saved the world. Boy, wasn't I STUPID.

I happened to catch on with the movie on tbs this evening and I must tell you, I felt proud at how much I have matured since the time I last saw it. You see, it is one of those movies which are so cheesy, so insanely stupid that they have immuned themselves from any prospective 'spoof' attacks. They are infact their own spoofs. Any more attempts at mocking those movies will only end up mocking themselves. Its like trying to spoof Kabhee Khushi Kabhee gham (Its all about loving your family). For crying out loud, even the title is by far the most hilarious combination of english words ever concieved by man. You see the problem ? No one can mock this. The hilarious rapture that a crying Shahrukh khan, Hrithik Roshan, Mr. and Mrs. Bachchan together can provide can hardly be matched by the directorial muscle of anyone less talented than Karan Johar.

Nevertheless, back to the roasting of Independence day, I must say that the movie is essentially a compilation of 3 things:

1. A beaten to death plot of aliens invading Earth for entirely obscure reasons. I never get this point. Like Calvin, I also believe that there is intelligent life in the universe and it is proved by the fact that it has not tried to contact us. What on earth can we offer them anyways ? A social structure based upon differences, tenuously hanging by the threads of compromises? A morally decaying society and an increasingly polluted atmosphere?

2. Regularly interspersed booms and bangs and shrieks and monstrous fireballs and emotional cliches and kisses and love stories and maudlin sentiments.

3. A heavy dose of badass guys with smartass comments. you won't believe how incredible those guys are. They are the DUDES. Their dudeness shines in their slick, in-your-face, trying-to-be-smart-but-managing-to-be-plain-stupid comments. If anyone on United 93 possessed even a fraction of the dudeness these guys ooze on 9/11, he would just have smiled at the terrorists and said 'Do whatever you want, just keep your voice down' and again went off to sleep, before dying ofcourse.

But the best part of the movie is the premise that the aliens which have travelled so many light years just to see some fireworks on Earth get defeated by a simple virus planted by a DUDE. I was wondering, what if the Aliens had Norton. They sure would have laughed their arse off at the stupid humans.

If you have seen the movie, I am terribly sorry at reminding you your horrible past. If not, I guess you get the idea.


Mass Mentality

I recently came across this documentary which depicted how mass consumerism was consciously introduced in the American society. I saw how the American economy was transferred from a need based system to a desire based system. How ownership of cars was projected as a depiction of male sexuality and how female smoking was consciously projected as a voice again male chauvinism. For a second I thought, god, how idiotic, I am sure the public will be able to see through it all. Well, what do you know, American society today is as materialistically crass as the latest charitable publicity stunt of all those hollywood celebrities and the modern Indian society is following like a faithful dog. It was so sad that I could not watch the full documentary. I hardly hate anyone more than those who refuse to think rationally, build a set a beliefs and have an informed opinion. Looking at the present scenario, I am led to believe that 95% of the human population hardly uses its rational powers, which is another way of saying that 95% of the population is foolish. Not inherently foolish. Just affectedly foolish. Foolish because they do not want to take the pains of rational thinking. Rational thinking - something that differentiates us from animals and jellyfishes and trees and furniture. Good job humanity. It seems that we have come a full circle of evolution.

To all those who buy into the above set of value (or the lack thereof), just some advices so that they can start using their brains for things it was originally meant to do :

- If you think that cigarettes or cars or hard drinks or meat filled burgers accenuate your male sexuality and ego, please be aware that you have a miniscule personality to build upon anyways. If I can pass it off without hurting your ego too much (which I hope to do), you lack the strength of character. The rest of it is just smoke filled partyhouse crap.

- If you think that smoking symbolizes a stance against male dominance, you will be surprised to hear that well, it does not. It was a gimmick started 80 years ago so that 50% of the world population can be addicted to it. I respect women's right for equality (my opinion doesn't matter anyways) but please do not play into the hands of the corporations for attaining it. There is no point trying to look like the plastic faced, personality less, dumb headed celebrities which seem to be pottering every nook and corner of every TV channel and magazine and newspaper. The fact that those ladies do not have anything else to gain respect from except their looks and apparel doesn't mean that you also need to give up intellect and grace for gaining it.

- If you think that you child will feel out of place if he does not has the latest technological gadget or bike or fancy dress or for god's sake english language, you probably belong to points 1 or 2 yourself. Now that you have screwed up most of your life anyways, its time to hammer in some brains into that little brat of yours. Why not try building some self respect in him ? You can either do it by patiently talking to him or if he is too spoilt for that, try giving him a regular dose of lets just say, not so friendly pat on the backs (Seriously, I believe in 'Spare the rod........').

- And if you think that those ads which advertise great tasting dog food really have figured out the culinary likes of your pet, you need to go to an asylum. No, on second thoughts, you should be kept in a museum just to depict how close man got to get intellectually confused with a chimpanzee.

Please, please, think. Don't follow what others are doing without giving it a thought. Spare some time and brains on figuring out why you believe in the things you believe in. Otherwise there is not much difference between a human and a lump of rotting garbage. If you give that lump a shape, the ability to walk, and the ability to talk incessantly, I guess you won't be able to make out the difference.

Well, who am I kidding. 95% of the population thinks I am a nutcase :).

About Me

My photo
Like a particularly notorious child's tantrums, a mountaneous river's intemperance, a volcano's reckless carelessness and the dreamy eyes of a caged bird, imagination tries to fly unfettered. Hesitant as she takes those first steps, she sculpts those ambitious yet half baked earthen pots.